He taught me everything, except how to live without him.
Three years to this day. Three years have passed. Each with its own adjustments. Yet life goes on, and goes well too. With each day, I appreciate more and more what he has done for me. He continues to motivate and instill confidence when I have it the least and need it the most.
In mom’s house, there is a picture of him on the wall. When I open my eyes, it is the first thing I see. It is still rather unnerving to see him there like that. A picture on the wall. It is a painful reminder of him gone, it is still difficult to deal with it. Sometimes I just stare at his picture and can’t take my eyes off him. I remember feeling anger when he left us. Angry for leaving, for missing the still to come milestones, for not walking me through the rest of my life. I vividly remember the final goodbye, doing what needed to be done, calmly going through the motions of the day. I realize it was this anger that kept me sane and functional and keeps it together even today when I feel it slipping away from me.
There is lots that needs to be done. The lunch will be his favorites, memories some spoken and some not and it is also the day I head back home. So we will all be a wee bit wistful as the time for me to leave comes close. Coming home to me does not just mean that I get time with ma and the rest, it is still coming home to baba. He is right here, with me.
The house is abuzz with his memories. It is anything but sad. We talk about him, the things he did, the person he was and the people we are today because of him. There is music and there is laughter and if it hadn’t been this (ungodly) am hour, we would most definitely be toasting life with his favorite malt!
The thought of him brings a smile to me. Memories with him are special, just as unique as the man he was. From birthdays to festivals to family dos, he was always the giver. Without a doubt most generous man I have ever known. No one can love me the way he did. The look of pride on his face, the sparkle in his eyes that I saw for me is my keepsake for life. No one can ever love me as selflessly and unconditionally as he did. Yes, sometimes I am still angry but for the most part I am grateful. Grateful for all that I am today and all that he has made me to be.
The enormity of this loss keeps compounding year after year and yet at the same time, gently eases into my life with acceptance. The piece of me which is still my baba’s daughter will always be an extension of me and the best I will ever be.
Three years to this day,
Yes it still seems like yesterday,
Look behind and I can see,
Baba you always watch over me.